The Devotional

Throughout this entire experience from the MTC until now Elder Holland and his words have brought more comfort than any other apostle. I love all of the apostles and feel that each of them bring a unique perspective because of their life experiences. When Elder Holland speaks it is clear to me that he understands the depths of what I am feeling. He is able to say exactly what I need to hear in order to feel the love my Savior has for me, and through that spirit I know what I need to do next in my life. I cannot even count the number of talks of his I have listened to over and over in my darkest hours.

I remember being shocked (in a good way) as he started speaking in the October 2013 conference. I was in the MTC struggling at that time with wondering if I should continue to push through what I was feeling physically and emotionally, or if I should seek help. The answer came loud and clear in his talk titled, "Like a Broken Vessel." It was an incredibly spiritual moment for me and not one I will soon forget. If you have yet to see or read this talk I would HIGHLY suggest taking the time to read it. 

You can only imagine my excitement when I found out that he had chosen to come and speak at the Institute this spring. I knew it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity and I couldn't wait. 

The morning of the devotional I woke up early and headed over to save a couple seats. The four hours of waiting were definitely worth it as we got to be just 5 rows away from where Elder Holland stood. 

As he walked in the room you could immediately feel the power of his apostolic calling. The love he had for us radiated and I felt so strongly his love, along with the Love of the Lord. It was a feeling I felt over and over as he spoke. 

He was extremely personable and open. He was so emotional at the beginning. It was clear he was moved by the choir numbers that were sung, the sheer amount of people who came, and the opportunity he had to speak at the institute of his son's university.

I felt like his talk was just for me, and that is exactly how he wanted each of us to feel. He began by stating that he has met with thousands of people in his office since his calling 40 years ago, and at so many of those meetings the purpose was to lift a burden. His desire was for each of us to feel like we were in one of those meetings with him. He spoke to us as a congregation, but his message penetrated our hearts individually. I knew he wanted to lift my burden and give me hope. 

His sermon centered around forgiveness, repentance and change. He said that too many of us:

1. Do not believe we can change or repent. We believe we are too far gone or that we do not have the strength or moral fiber to change. 
2. Believe that even if we do change we somehow don't believe we can be forgiven. 

His desire was to disperse despair and provide us hope. To heal our hearts and relieve the burden that we had been carrying. To help us realize that we live our lives with more despair than God ever wanted us to have. He helped us to realize that there is only one person who wants us to believe that we cannot change. He wants each of us to be miserable like him. The entire gospel is based on the fact that we can change!! 

He spoke with so much passion and love. He clearly understands the Atonement and forgiveness so deeply and he wanted to help us to believe in, and feel the hope that comes from it. I know I've felt burdened by the despair of feeling the inability to change and he dispelled that fear. He used so many analogies and examples that there was no way we couldn't understand what he was trying to say. He knows the difference each and every one of us will make in the world and he wanted to make sure we knew we had hope! He wanted us to KNOW that we are not lost. 

The part that touched my heart the most was when he began talking about the reasons we feel like even if we do change, we cannot be forgiven. He stated that one of the major reasons for that is oftentimes those we call our friends and family will not let us change. They hold against us the things we have done in the past and use it any chance they get to justify how they treat us. I could not hold back the tears as he spoke about this. I had been struggling so much with various situations in my life that I did not understand and I could not figure out why they were weighing on my mind so heavily. As he said the words "won't let feel we can be forgiven," I knew that was exactly how I could describe my burden.

"When a battered weary swimmer tries to get back to shore; after having fought strong winds and rough waves, which he probably never should have challenged in the first place. Those of us who might have had better judgement, or perhaps just had better luck, ought not to row out to his side, beat him over the head with the oars and shove his head under water. That is not what boats nor oars were made for. But some of us do that to each other." 

I wish you could hear the passion with which he delivered that quote. It was clear that this was exactly the opposite thing we should be doing as friends and members of the church. Through his words I truly came to understand what I had been feeling. I recognized that I felt as if I was constantly being shoved under the waters of despair because of past mistakes I had made. I recognized in that moment that was the LAST thing my Savior wanted me to feel and I knew that he had forgiven me for what I had done. I knew that it was time to forgive myself and wait patiently for others to be able to forgive me. I resolved to NEVER allow myself to let others feel that way because of me. 

He then shared the story Joseph Smith and William W. Phelps. It is another story I highly suggest researching and studying. It is an incredible story of forgiveness that the Prophet Joseph offered to William after he had done some awful things. When William realized what he had done he wrote the Prophet.  In an instant the Prophet wrote back with his arms of forgiveness open wide, "friends at first are friends at last!" (part of the story can be found in this talk)

One of the most poignant lines in William's letter stated, "I want to be saved if my friends will help me." This is what Elder Holland chose to title the devotional he gave on this Friday afternoon. He knew that we have all been the foolish swimmer at one time or another. We all understand the depths of despair sin and mistakes can bring. He wanted us to know that we all can change and we have the obligation to forgive; that true friends, genuine latter day saint friends will help each other do that! 

I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to sit at the feet of this incredible man. I know he strives daily to be the best disciple of the Lord he can be. I know he spoke the words the Lord would have spoken to us that day.  I am grateful for the resolve to change that his words brought into my soul, and the sweet peace and love of forgiveness I was able to feel.