The Things That Help

I'm learning a lot of lessons, and gaining a lot of valuable experience these days and I hope the world doesn't mind me sharing some of it on my blog. I only do it in the hopes that one day it might be able to help another person in some way, shape or form. I'm definitely not perfect, and I am VERY aware that I still have a lot to learn.

That being said I realized something recently. As I was at my darkest point struggling I knew I needed help, but I didn't know how people could help. My mind was so clouded by all it was mentally and emotionally struggling with that when people asked, "What can I do to help?" I had no answer. I don't think I am the only one who has experienced this phenomenon. I know I experienced it when my Mom and other close family members or friends have passed away, or even when I was extremely stressed out of my mind about school or work. That overwhelmed feeling happens to us all.

So how can others help? These are just some suggestions of things that have helped me. They may not be the best thing for every situation, but I know they have worked for me in different times I have struggled throughout my life.

• Be willing to listen when they are ready to talk. 
• Let them know you want to hear about their experiences by asking questions, and actively listening. 
• Don't shy away from the mission, grief, or other hard topic. 
• Seek first to understand, not to fix.  
• Remind them that no emotions are bad. There is something to be learned from every emotion that we feel. 
• Let them know that this trial won't last forever and they have the strength to get through it. 
• Accept them for the changes that have happened in their lives and personalities. 
• Some days the best thing you can do is to get them away from their thoughts. 
• Go to a movie
• Go bowling
• Do things you did together before. 
• Support them in their decisions, and let them make those decisions. 
• Help them remember and understand that even though things have changed, your love for them will always be there.

I clearly remember the first time someone asked me to share the full story of what had happened. They asked and then showed that they really wanted to know everything. It was extremely cathartic to just talk through the experience. I've been blessed with some incredible friends and family members who have helped me, as well as an Early Returned Missionary Initiative that was started by neighboring stake. Through these things I have been able to see the hope in the darkest hours.

Dr. Kris Doty along with a group of UVU students did a research project on Early Returned Missionaries and came up with some great advice for ERMs, their leaders and their friends and family. Some of the suggestions are similar to the ones I've listed above, but I've included that list below. Studio 5 also did a great segment which included two of the amazing people I have gotten to meet. To watch the video click here.

Advice to Early Returned Missionaries:
1) Reject the shame and embarrassment
2) Accept that things are going to be awkward
3) Choose not to be offended by the insensitive things people will say
4) Be Assertive. Let people know what you need
5) Keep using those spiritual tools you used on your mission to find where you are to go next
6) Attend the Temple often
7) Request Priesthood Blessings as often as you need them
8) Seek Understanding from the Lord. He knew you were going to come home early.
9) Use the Atonement. The Savior knows and understands.

Advice to Family and Friends:
1) Bring balloons to the airport no matter the reason they are returning.
2) Allow the missionary to tell their stories like any other.
3) Parents, don't take it personally.
4) Don't insist they go back out to finish their term.
5) Reject the cultural shame and embarrassment.
6) Join a support group.
7) Be appropriately open about the situation with others.

Advice to Leaders:
1) Be welcoming and thankful for their service.
2) Tread kindly but not on egg-shells.
3) Ask the family and missionary what they need.
4) Task the ward council with setting the accepting tone.
5) Treat them the same as any other returning missionary.
6) Encourage them to give a report talk.
7) Assign good home teachers after consulting with the ERM.
8) Give them a calling quickly.